Are Parents to Blame for Classroom Dysfunction?

Who IS responsible for unruly schools?

by Alice Roberts

Editors note: It is accepted dogma that children and youth are having a “mental health crisis.” The evidence for that is subjective. But there is definite objective evidence that students can not read or understand math, science and history as well as previous generations. Some teachers blame parents. Some of that blame is valid, but, there is plenty of blame to go around. The following is one teacher’s opinion, and one parent’s response. We appreciate that both parties have the best of intentions in furthering this debate. The teacher’s letter is in bold.

On March 22nd, Nebraska parents were scolded by K.R Schneider, a public school teacher from O’Neill, Nebraska. Ms. Schneider claimed in her open letter to parents that “this generation of parents is failing.”

http://theillusionofadulting.blogspot.com/2024/03/an-open-letter-to-parents.html

According to Ms. Schneider, our children are “an entirely new breed of difficult” and we are “creating a mess that will take generations to repair.” Ms. Schneider goes on to blame parents and insult our children in a nearly four page missive that deserves a response.

AN OPEN LETTER TO PARENTS
Do you want to know why there’s a teacher shortage? Why, this year, in Nebraska alone, there are approximately a thousand open positions in education, why the number of post-secondary education majors is plummeting? I think any teacher, para, bus driver, administrator, lunch lady, or secretary would give you the same answer: a lack of parenting. We have so many students in our school systems who come from broken homes, from absentee parents, from hostile environments, from neglect, and on the opposite side of that coin, from coddling, from “yes” parents, from ipad houses, from parents who want to be their child’s “best friend” or live vicariously through them. And when parents don’t parent, they raise children who are an entirely new breed of difficult, who are entitled, who don’t understand the concept of respect, who have never been held to rules or standards before and rebel against them in classrooms, kids who have never been told “no,” kids who have been constantly handed a screen to keep them quiet. This generation of parents is failing, and it only takes a step into our school systems to see the evidence.

-Is Ms. Schneider a parent herself? Does she not see the harm her words might cause? She is so quick to throw all parents under the bus for missing her undefined sweet spot between neglect and coddling. While there is some truth to Ms. Schneider’s claims, there are indeed neglectful parents, many more parents are just overwhelmed with work and daily living; as the pace, cost and demands of child rearing have increased in modern times. While a record number of children are born into single parent homes, there is also less extended family participation and support.

Alternatively, helicopter parenting has been encouraged by society’s emphasis on helmets and masking and stranger danger. Students encounter far more strangers in daily life than they did a generation ago, and parents know that Child Protective Services has been called for infractions such as letting children play in a nearby park unsupervised, or for “mis-gendering.”

There are many reasons public school staffing positions are unfilled. Terrible pay, poor leadership and very possibly an outdated work model that doesn’t fit the modern lifestyle. The culture wars have played a huge part in the volatile environment that is public education today. A lack of conformity to the “inclusion” narrative has lead to school personnel being fired, or encouraged to quit, for simply expressing a different opinion or value than the current accepted trend. Online curriculums infused with critical race and gender theories have lead to educator and staff attrition.

Ms. Schneider’s judgment and tone will not lead to a solution. Respect is a two way street, and it is earned. Students and their parents have many stories about how educators have disparaged personal family values, lifestyles, disabilities, and beliefs in the classroom. It is more difficult to parent when teachers reinforce values that don’t align with those of the family.

I understand that this is a hard concept. This is a topic of conversation that raises a lot of defenses and makes people angry. But as a teacher, as someone who spends literally all day, every day, with your kids, it makes me angry - to see kids, who are not at fault for the mistakes of their parents, come to school without structure, discipline, and guidelines for what respect looks like. This generation of kids does not have those things. This lack of parenting is creating a mess that will take generations to repair. And, of course, this is a generalization; there are kids who have responsible parents. The majority, however, unfortunately, do not.

-Ms. Schneider not only thinks parents are the sole cause of disrespectful, screen addicted children, but she also thinks we are too stupid to understand her concept. It isn’t hard to understand; it’s just wrong and lacking in critical thought. Her statement that teachers are with our children “literally all day, every day” just isn’t true. At most, our children are at school 1/3 of a day for 1/2 of the days in a year, often rotating between many different teachers in classrooms full of dozens of other children. This is not nearly enough time for anyone to draw a conclusion about what is or isn’t happening between a parent and their child.

As teachers, we see kids every day who do not know what it is to show respect. And let me tell you a truth: it is so much more difficult to teach the concept of respect to a teenager than it is to a two-year-old, even harder when you are not their parent. It is vital that children come to school with an understanding of how to show respect, with established structure at home - because while they crave structure, all kids do - they thrash against it when they have never had it before.

Showing respect for adults in authority is not a flooring concept. It's life. There will be days, no matter your age or your position, when you have to show respect to someone you don't particularly care for. You will have to show respect to your superiors, whether you agree with their choices or not. If I flung myself on the floor every time my boss asked something of me that I didn't care for, if I threw a chair across the room, cursed, used a derogatory term, or made a threat, I wouldn't have a job for very long. But your teenagers, your middle schoolers, and your third graders? They do those things. Because you taught them it was acceptable.

And this is how you did that: you allow them to use derogatory, racist, and vicious language; you use it in their presence. You let them sit and listen while you talk poorly about their teachers, their coaches, their principals, their classmates’ parents, and when they heard you call Mr. X or Coach Y an idiot, your child packed that into their school bag and took it to class, to practice, put it on with his jacket, his jersey, and then when Mr. X gave him an assignment, or Coach Y gave a direction, he rolled his eyes, he argued, he fought: he showed his teacher or his coach a public disrespect. You’ve seen it; we’ve all seen it. And that’s why it happens - because you taught him to think that, to say it.

-Ms. Schneider is only identifying one of the influences that have the ability to teach children to treat people with disrespect. Social media and the entertainment industry also have a big influence on what children think. Popular culture as a whole reinforces disrespect toward authority and celebrates narcissism.

We would also claim that when teachers model disrespectful attitudes towards religion, elected leadership, or in her case, parents, children are listening and learning to repeat that as well. In fact, if you happen to be paying attention to the culture wars being waged in the classroom, one can’t help but notice that PARENTS have been consistently and vocally objecting to content that does not model appropriate behavior and language. Our concerns are met with criticism and name calling, and fall on the deaf ears of so called “experts.”

Are students being taught that their white classmates are “oppressors” who do not deserve respect? Are teachers conspiring with students to keep their “identities” a secret from their parents? Are some being told their “Chistofascist” parents can’t possibly understand their offspring’s budding sexuality? Are library books exhibiting explicit sexual content? Are those chromebooks inadequately firewalled against online pornography? Are there lessons in “direct action,” (social justice riots)? Are schools facilitating speakers who teach students to obtain birth control without parental consent?

Without presuming to know Ms. Schneider’s methods or intentions, these things have all happened in Nebraska schools. Are parents being disparaged when they point out the obvious problems? Yes, in the extreme. The US government has threatened parents with FBI shock troops, and school board members who are elected to give conservative parents a voice are hounded out of office.

What happens in the classroom to students who are disrespectful? Are there swift and predictable consequences, or do certain students get a pass? Are students required to stand at attention for the Pledge of Allegiance? Are they expected to turn in assignments on time, or do they get second and third chances? Are students being treated with equal respect, or are some more equal than others? Are disrespectful comments about parents considered acceptable?

Parents have relinquished a good deal of authority with this generation, but so have the schools. There is room for improvement all around. The solution begins with teachers and administrators treating parental concerns with enough respect that parents can begin once more to trust the schools.

And these issues start so much earlier than you think they do. When your child threw a fit at the dinner table, over a toy he wanted, about having to be patient or cleaning his room, and you handed him a screen? Watch a video. Play a game. It keeps him quiet. It keeps him occupied. You just taught that child that when he can’t control his emotions, he needs a piece of technology to do it for him. You taught his brain that it can’t regulate emotions without something constantly stimulating it. And just like that, just like pausing a tantrum with an ipad, you develop an addiction that will grow until they’re teenagers who beg and cry to keep their cell phones in their hands when their teacher’s classroom rule is to put it away. And yes, almost all of them beg or argue, and yes, some of them cry. Teenagers - cry to keep their phones in their hands - because this new generation of ipad kids don’t know how to regulate their emotions without them. I have to teach that skill now - a skill they should develop as toddlers, I have to teach to teenagers.

-We share some common ground with Ms. Schneider. We agree that our kids spend way too much time on technology, perhaps we can ALL work to limit their dependency on it away from and in school. Our public schools are becoming increasingly reliant on technology for learning. Other countries have ditched education technology because it eliminates tactile learning and has been proven to have negative long term results.

Switching Off: Sweden Says Back-To-Basics Schooling Works on Paper

However, American schools are heading full steam into Ed Tech, and the decision makers won’t change course without serious pushback from both parents and teachers. Ed Tech won’t be conquered easily, because it is exceedingly profitable. Forbes predicted it would have a market share of $400 Billion by 2025. That is $400 Billion of taxpayer funds.

When you disagreed with a decision that their volleyball coach made, instead of telling your athlete to show up and do the work, to push through and prove themselves, you called, not their coach, but their school administrators, to complain that because the coach made a choice you didn’t agree with - they should be removed from their position. You didn’t tell your athlete to do the responsible thing - to have a conversation with their coach and air their grievances. You didn’t teach your child how to solve a problem. You taught them that they don’t ever do anything wrong, that the adult in authority will bow to their whims if they complain. Tell me how that prepares them for an adult reality? It doesn’t.

And when they carry those things into their adult lives, this is what it looks like: an inability to maintain healthy relationships, to communicate without the security blanket of technology (or without you). It looks like a lack of credibility in the workplace, looks like a lack of responsibility for paying their bills on time, like not maintaining their households, like not raising their children - because there have never been real consequences for not doing what they’re supposed to do, and because you didn’t raise them to be responsible adults - they don’t know how.

-Does this scenario happen with coaches? Of course. A decent administrator would back up the coach and put an end to the controversy. Firm rules that are evenly enforced eliminate the demands for special treatment. Students who learn to accept disappointment are learning responsibility.

I know this sounds dramatic. I get it. But believe me when I tell you that this is our reality. These children who are being raised not to listen, not to respect, to expect whatever they want, to receive instant gratification, they are the majority of children in our school systems, and they will become the adults who run our governments, operate our businesses, and raise our future generations. Good people are raised by parents who hold them accountable, who set boundaries and provide structure. Now will some of these poorly raised kids flourish without good parenting? Sure - a few will slip through those cracks and become good people on their own. But is that a risk we want to take with an entire generation? Not in my opinion.

-Ms. Schneider seems pessimistic regarding our childrens’ ability to positively impact the future. We, on the other hand, are excited to see what our children have in store for this world. They should have more resilience than any generation seen since perhaps The Greatest Generation. They are coming of age through similar circumstances: warp speed technological innovations, a pandemic, and economic and social turmoil. If the majority of children in our school systems are not thriving, then perhaps the problem is the system, not the children. It’s very possible that these children need something different to succeed. Education should fit the child, not the other way around.

Ms. Schneider contradicts herself several times in her theory that parents have collectively failed their children. Is she failing to hold children accountable for their own actions BECAUSE she believes it’s all their parents’ fault? Parents have decried the pervasive curriculum that tells children they are all victims of “systemic racism” or “climate change.” How is this different from the helicopter “not my little angel” coddling that she claims has caused so much harm? Parents do not want their students to have a victim mentality. Is Ms. Schneider, and other teachers, convincing children they are the victims of perceived bad parenting, and as such not responsible for failing adulthood?

Parenting is not an accident. It’s not something that just happens on its own - it’s a job. One you signed up for when you took responsibility for raising a person. You are not your child’s best friend, not until you’re finished raising them into the person who can be responsible for themselves, who is capable of that relationship with you. You are not your child’s vending machine. You are not their bank, their punching bag, their excuse. You are their parent. It is your responsibility to give your child the foundation that will make them a good person.

-Parenting is hard work and teaching is hard work. So we have a deal for Ms. Schneider. How about letting parents do the parenting, and having teachers stick to teaching kids academics? Stop undermining parents by teaching critical theories that most of us don't believe in. Children are not mature enough to study those concepts with fidelity. Culture is a family issue. As a public institution, schools are openly seeking to supercede the family. Never before have schools encouraged students to keep important things from their parents. Never before have school administrators bragged about hiding controversial content from parents by calling it something else. See Video. Never before has a discussion of specific sex acts with someone else's minor child been considered acceptable behavior. If parenting is harder than ever, the schools are part of the reason.  

Your children listen to you. They believe you - trust you. They assume what comes out of your mouth is gospel - because they’re your children, and they’re supposed to. They’re supposed to believe that the things you teach them are true, because as their parent, that’s your job. So when you teach them that they can throw things and scream when they don’t get their way, they believe you. When you teach them that they can’t regulate their emotions without a screen in their face, their brains lose that ability. When you teach them that they can say whatever they want to whomever they like, they believe you.

This is why we have a teacher shortage. This is why the quality of education is slipping all over our nation - because teachers now have to teach and manage a myriad of basic life skills that should not be their job: they have to teach emotional regulation to teenagers whose brains have been trained for technology addiction. They have to teach the concept of respecting authority to children who have been conditioned to get whatever they demand. They have to teach responsibility to kids who have never been made to take ownership of anything. Because their parents refuse to parent.

If we want this tide to turn, to pull teachers into classrooms instead of driving them out raising our children is where it starts. This lack of parenting is an epidemic, and your children deserve better than that. They deserve every opportunity to learn how to be good people, and while we can absolutely reinforce that concept in schools, it starts at home.

-The so called “lack of parenting” epidemic that Ms. Schneider claims is driving teachers out of the classroom could also be the result of the actual pandemic that closed schools and isolated children away from their extended family, friends, church groups, sports and basically their entire world. Consider the face masks students were forced to wear for months or years, erasing their very individuality.

Parents, labeled domestic terrorists, tried to warn educators about the long-term consequences that isolation and extended screen time would have when they filled school board rooms in protest. Where is the ownership for the sacrifice forced on our children that cost them greatly and did little to stop the spread of Covid?

What the Data Says About Pandemic School Closures, Four Years Later - The New York Times

Ms. Schneider is correct, children did miss out on class time and parenting time that probably contributed to their lack of conformity in the rigid system of public schools. Likely, because many parents didn’t have a choice. We still had to go to work during covid shutdowns to pay bills and the taxes that pay for things like public education. That being said, we agree that students screaming or throwing things should not be tolerated at home or at school. Often times, clear boundaries are lacking in both settings. 

Collateral damage occurs to the education of children who are behaving and want to learn. Those children deserve better options. Classrooms can’t be managed when kids know they can hit someone and get way with it. Children can’t learn when they are afraid. Teens in Nebraska have registered for advanced classes that may be beyond their abilities, just because they fear for their safety in regular classes. When did schools stop focusing on the learning environment?

I have seen this all around us. My family members and friends who are teachers experience it every day in their own schools. I see it at sporting events, community gatherings, restaurants, grocery stores. This refusal to parent is so harmful, and it is everywhere. I hope it disappoints you. I hope it makes you angry. I hope it makes you think twice about the way that the children in your lives are being raised. Because this problem will not fix itself. And if you don’t think we’re already seeing the repercussions, you aren’t paying close enough attention. Open your eyes. Parent your children. They deserve better than this.

-To put Ms. Schneider’s “everywhere” into context, O’Neill, Nebraska (where she is a teacher) is a beautiful north-central Nebraska town in Holt County with a population of around 3,500.
One sincerely hopes for peace and wisdom for Ms. Schneider. She makes many valid points. However, through no fault of the teachers or the parents, schools have become a battleground of ideology and hidden agendas. Parents can’t trust them, and that distrust creates discontinuity of purpose. Ed Tech has replaced lesson plans. “Mental Health” has replaced discipline. And yes, screen time has replaced interpersonal communication. There is frustration all around, and students are in chaos. Perhaps honest exchanges like this are how we begin to find the way back.

Editor’s Note: After reading an advance copy of Ms. Roberts’ article, a south-central Nebraska educator had these comments:

This teacher DOES make some valid points. I was ready to leave teaching because of student behavior. I couldn’t teach, only manage…. But her arguments do indeed lack critical thought, as parents and their methods are an easy scapegoat for teachers. Placed in a different environment where curiosity and true learning could take place, most students would be able to function and like school. For instance, my grandma used to take her third graders to pick apples. Then they would all make a pie together… she tied in science and stories and manner instruction and math, etc. — all while they peeled apples or ate the finished pie. This kind of life-learning awakens a desire in kids to learn about and love life. Not so with sitting at a desk doing sterile work on an iPad or testing at the desktop. “No child left behind” killed creative teaching.